Q: I just retired and moved by myself to live closer to my children so I can be near them as I age. How can I make a new community for myself and find new friends at this stage of life?
A: I was recently at an event where they talked about how although childhood friendships can be rocky, they often start easily. As we become adults it is more difficult to find friendships, and we become more inhibited about seeking them out.
It turns out there are studies to back up the feeling that is harder to make friendships as we get older. One main reason is simply the logistics involved. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships calculated that, on average, it takes about 50 hours of time with someone before you consider them a casual friend, and about 200 hours to become close friends.
When we have careers and responsibilities there simply is not enough time. When we retire, we may have the time but not the opportunity to meet people with similar interests. Our own shyness may get in the way, as well, and prevent us from asking for contact information or suggesting a social get together with someone we have just met.
Despite all of this, is it worth it to make the effort, even possibly stepping outside of your comfort zone, to make new friends. Social isolation is detrimental to our health and well-being. Some studies link it to being as bad for your health as smoking a pack a day of cigarettes.
Engaging in friendships builds our resiliency. Being social and having conversations strengthens our neural networks and builds our attention and memory.
Put the effort in. Start by deciding what you like to do with your time and seek out people with similar interests. That may mean looking into the local Senior Center or Parks and Recreation programs to find groups or classes. Join a walking club, a current events group, a dance class or whatever else sparks your interest. Find a place to volunteer and get involved in a local nonprofit organization.
Put yourself out there and try new things. After a class ends, ask someone to join you for a cup of coffee. It may have been years since you had to initiate asking someone for a “friend date” and that may feel uncomfortable. But this is your chance to build a new social circle that meets your current needs.
Sometimes we have friendships for many years and our interests have grown apart. There is still value to that friendship, but look at this starting over as an opportunity to build a new support system for the person you are today.
When we look for a new job, we put in the effort to research companies that have positions we are qualified for, and we interview at multiple places. Look at this as the work needed to create the next chapter that you want to have in your new community.
Invest in yourself and your happiness by taking the time to build your community. Have an open mind, be confident in yourself, and find new reciprocal friendships that will fill your retirement with camaraderie, socialization, and support.
