Q: This will be the first Father’s Day since my dad passed away. How should I spend the day and support my mom through it?
A: This will be the second Father’s Day since my father passed away. I had not discussed it ahead of time with my other family members; we all live far apart. When the day came, we started a group text to check in with each other. It turned out that each of us in our own town went to get chocolate chip muffins for breakfast because that is a memory we all share of my father. He would always ask the bakery to select the muffin with the most chocolate chips.
That memory makes us all laugh because it used to embarrass my sibling and me when we were kids. That day, we all had the same idea: a little way to remember him and treat ourselves to a chocolate chip muffin!
The “firsts” after someone passes away can be emotional and challenging. The first Father’s Day, the first holidays, and the first birthdays are just some of these dates that we consider most meaningful. We often have special memories of our loved ones on these days, and they can make our sadness and grief feel more pronounced.
Sometimes, what we think we will feel may be different from how we actually feel when the day comes. And that is okay, too. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Instead, try and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without judgement.
The same advice goes for your mother. Let her know it is okay to feel good, bad, sad, angry, or any emotions that come to her. Make sure she knows you can support each other on this day and do what feels right.
Sometimes, it helps to give some attention that day to your father by honoring his memory. You may want to share stories with those who knew him and reminisce about the past. You may want to light a candle or create a ritual like visiting his grave or a spot he enjoyed, eating his favorite foods, or doing a good deed for someone else.
Another option is to spend the day focusing on other fathers you know and care about to make sure they feel appreciated and loved on this day.
Talk to your mom ahead of time, let her know that you want to support her, and devise a plan together. You could even decide to do something just for the two of you, like having a quiet day at home with movies and favorite snacks or taking a walk in nature. You may enjoy talking about your feelings, or you may prefer to let the day pass without much acknowledgment.
Once you have thought about how you want to spend that day, you can share it with anyone who wants to spend it with you. You can set your boundaries and ask for what you need on that day.
Whatever you decide to do with the day, be sure to allow space for your feelings and to be kind to yourself. Supporting your mother is a great way to honor your family, and together, you can find a way to move forward.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
