Q: I am caring for my husband, and I am always so worried about what will happen next. How can I stop worrying so much about the future?
A: Most caregivers understand the feeling of worry and never know what is around the next corner. They always carry their phones and never feel like they can relax. While you are in good company with your worries, finding a way to reduce them is essential so you can take care of your own health.
Caregiving is a difficult role because you are responsible for your loved one, and that responsibility can feel overwhelming. If your loved one declines or struggles, you are the one who has to figure out what to do and manage their needs. Waiting for that next decline, or crisis can get in the way of feeling calm or confident in the way things are now.
If your thoughts start with the words “what if,” they are caused by anxiety. This means the worry you have is not actually happening right now, and it can feel very grounding to remind yourself of that.
The next time your worries begin, and you think to yourself:, “What if something happens?” ask yourself if it is happening right now. If the answer is no, look around and see what is safe and calm in your environment. Take a moment to breathe and focus on what is true in the current moment.
Once you have settled, it may be helpful to ask yourself what you would do if that difficult situation happened. For example, if you are worrying about another hospital stay for your loved one, take a moment when feeling calm to work through that scenario.
Perhaps the last hospital stay was very stressful, and you found yourself not sleeping or taking care of yourself. What can you plan to do in the future to improve the experience? Talk to a friend, a family member, or a professional to think about how you can have help in the future if you need to get through another hospital stay.
That may mean asking for help sitting with your loved one, communicating proactively with the primary doctor to understand next steps, or hiring extra help when they return home.
While it is not possible to have a plan for every situation, working through some common scenarios may provide some relief from your worries.
It can help to think about a difficult past experience and remind yourself how you got through it. Remind yourself that your resilience, your caring, and your strength got you through the past, and will be there to help you through whatever comes up next.
In my career working with family caregivers, and having been one myself, I know the urge to be the best caregiver possible. The key is defining being the “best” as a caring person who tries their best, not as someone who avoids difficult situations. Unfortunately, that is impossible.
Plan ahead, think through the scenarios that worry you, and then focus on the present. How often have we looked back on our lives and wished we knew how good we had it then? Allow yourself to live in the moment and enjoy the parts you can. Let the “what ifs” have their place, but not control your mood.
Uncertainty is a part of life, learning to live with it and building your resilience is vital as you continue your caregiving journey. Take care of yourself, get support, and trust yourself.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
