Q: My husband has dementia, and I am worried about the family spending time with him at Christmas. Many of them do not realize how different he is now, and I am afraid of what they will think.
A: The holidays often bring people together who have not seen each other in a while. In our office at Senior Concerns, it is common for us to get calls from concerned family members after the holidays are over. They have just visited their relatives and noticed that they may be struggling. They reach out to find help from us.
Your concern over family and friends seeing your husband and realizing how his dementia has progressed is understandable. However, it may end up being a good thing, as it will help them realize what you are going through and, perhaps, they will offer help.
To ease your worries about the gathering consider reaching out to family members individually ahead of time. You can let them know that they may notice changes in your husband and provide them with some explanation, along with tips and suggestions to make it easier. They may even need a little education on what dementia is and how it affects the brain. Consider sending them some information in an email to read.
You may offer suggestions on how they can best communicate with your husband. For example, you may ask them to introduce themselves with their name when they see him to remind him of who they are. They can say “Hi uncle, it’s Mark your nephew, it is so good to see you again.”
You can provide suggested topics to talk about and ones to avoid, if necessary. Let them know to speak in shorter sentences and to speak clearly and directly in front of him. Or perhaps you want to explain that in a larger conversation he may need to sit back and observe without participating.
You may also want to say what you are worried about. Some people with dementia get overwhelmed and overstimulated in larger group settings. If that is the case for your husband, you can ask the host ahead of time to have a quiet room available for him, if needed.
Think about what scenario you are worried about and address it ahead of time.
If your concern is about people judging you or him, then really ask yourself what that looks like. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable and tell your family what you are worried about and what you need from them.
Some people want their family to know they need nothing but a listening ear and that this is not the time when you are looking for advice or suggestions. We all know sometimes well-meaning people can step in to tell us what they think we should be doing! At a holiday gathering you most likely just want to enjoy the day and not feel the need to process these types of good-hearted suggestions.
You can also use this opportunity to ask for any help you may need at the gathering. You can ask a specific family member to spend some time sitting with your husband to give you a chance to mingle and enjoy the company without having to worry about him.
Every family has different dynamics and only you know your family best. Ultimately, when someone has dementia, there may be things out of your control. Trust that with explanation and openness your family will be there to support both you and your husband.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
