Q: I have been helping my mom with errands and little things since my dad passed away. My friend said I am a caregiver, but my mom is still mostly independent. What does it mean to be a caregiver?
A: If you are helping your mom and serving as her backup person, you are a caregiver. While you may not have to do everything for her right now, your role is to ensure she is safe and cared for. You are the person she will turn to if she has a need.
Often family caregivers do not identify themselves as caregivers because they are simply helping out a family member. You are being a “good daughter” and doing things you see as a normal part of your role. While this is true, it is also a choice you make and the role you assume as a helper.
Some caregivers are thrust into the role suddenly by a medical event that renders their loved one disabled. And others slowly take on the role incrementally, often without realizing it is happening until they are very involved.
By recognizing yourself as a caregiver, it may open you up to other resources and supports you would not have found before. You may not find this role very stressful right now, but chances are as your mom ages you will assume more responsibilities for her. This may add to your stress, your time, and your resources.
When you need support, you will want to use the term caregiver to find resources. A caregiver support group, a care consultation, and other educational programs or even grants may be there to help you.
In Ventura County there are three Caregiver Resource Centers that specifically serve family caregivers like yourself. You can learn more and find the one in your area from the Ventura County Area Agency on Aging or by calling 805-477-7300.
It may be helpful to start now by meeting with a care manager at a Caregiver Resource Center to ask and learn more about what your mother may need in the future. If you are the person she will depend on, you can talk with your mom now about what her wishes are for the future if she needs more care.
It is also a good time to ensure you have the legal paperwork in place to assist with her finances and to make medical decisions for her if she is unable to do so herself. You may want to meet with an eldercare attorney together to talk about her estate plans now that she is a widow. She may have paperwork that lists your father only.
This is also a good time to involve anyone else who she wants sharing these decisions. If you have other siblings or loved ones they can be a part of these conversations now, so that in the future you will have them as part of your care team.
Your friend is right to identify you as a caregiver. Take pride in this role and use this opportunity while your mom is still mostly independent to involve her in her planning. A little planning now will help reduce stress in the future.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org
