I recently learned that my mother was still paying the monthly bill for my father’s cell phone, two years after he passed away.
For someone who is careful about money, this was very surprising.
It was not about the money or the hassle of canceling the plan, it was really about the emotions behind it. The cell phone was like a security blanket, an attachment to my dad.
She could still use it to search for contacts, look at his photos, or log in to accounts to retrieve his passwords.
I helped her understand that she can keep the cell phone and access these things on Wi-Fi, without paying for the phone service. I also connected the phone to her computer and downloaded all the photos.
Holding on to the cell phone service had both practical and emotional benefits. At first, there was a practical reason. It allowed my mom to see if anyone called or texted who needed to be notified of my father’s passing. It was also linked to several accounts with two-factor authentication that allowed my mother access to these accounts while she was transferring them to her name and phone number.
Emotionally it provided a connection to my father. It was one last piece and canceling meant a finality to it all.
She was finally ready and felt comfortable knowing she could keep the physical phone and still access the information on it.
When we went to cancel the phone, we learned that the family plan she shared with my father was in his name, not hers. This is a good reminder that couples should ensure they are both listed as authorized users who can make changes to plans if appropriate.
It took a lot more time than we wanted, as most things do, but we canceled his phone service and kept only my mom’s service.
Initially, they quoted a monthly fee that was not much less than what she was paying for both. I went onto the company’s website and saw the price they offer to new users and asked them to match that offer.
Again, it took a lot more time than we expected, but eventually the employee came back and was able to match that price. Now the monthly bill will be less than half of what she was paying before.
Every account to cancel requires the emotional energy to tell a stranger your loved one has passed away. As we saw with the cell phone, it can often be a long and frustrating process.
It is understandable why people need to space out the work that it takes to manage all the logistics after someone passes away.
It is often referred to as an “Invisible Workload.” It is what happens behind the scenes, a hidden burden of administrative tasks.
For this reason, it is important to take things slow and give yourself breaks. It is also why so many experts recommend not making any big decisions in the first 6 months of a loss, when emotions are high and you may not be able to think clearly.
Grief is sometimes seen in unusual and unexpected ways. It is a process without a timeline that requires adjusting to a new reality without a loved one, both practically and emotionally. Each individual must go at their own pace and find the way forward that works best for them.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
