Q: I usually see my elderly neighbor almost every day checking his mail. For several days I did not see him, and I was worried. He has come out again and let me know he had been sick. It got me thinking: what should I do if I cannot reach him again and I am worried something is wrong?
A: Neighbors keeping an eye out and checking on neighbors is an important part of a community. In this situation, thankfully he is okay and now you have the opportunity to ask him how he would like you to help in the future.
The next time you see him you can let him know you had been worried and ask if he would like to provide you with the name and number of his emergency contact person. Perhaps he has a family member nearby who keeps a key to his house.
If he becomes ill again you can offer to be a support and drop off groceries for him. Or if he becomes hospitalized his emergency contact could let you know and you can offer to collect and hold his mail.
If you notice someone is not responding like they usually do and there is cause for concern, you can always call the police and ask for a wellness check. You would first want to try every avenue to reach the person. Call any numbers you have, knock on the door, and notice anything about the home that may indicate they are not at home.
However, if you cannot reach them and this is unusual for them, then you may have cause for concern. You can call the non-emergency police line in your area or call 911 if you’re worried there may be immediate danger. The police will usually send an officer to the home to try and reach the person. They will assess the cause for concern and, if needed, they will force entry into the home to try and check on the person.
The police may be a last resort, but it is important to know it is an option if needed.
In your case, you have the opportunity to talk to your neighbor now and ask how they want you to handle this type of situation in the future. Ideally, you can find other ways to reach someone on their behalf to check if they are okay or needing help.
If your neighbor tells you they do not want to provide an emergency contact and they do not want you to do anything to help or check on them, you should respect their request for privacy. Try to explain that you come from a place of concern and caring and do not want to infringe on their autonomy. But understand that they have the right to ask you not to be involved.
It is also possible they do not have anyone to be their emergency contact and they may be uncomfortable about that. Let them know you are a friendly neighbor available if needed and then allow them the space to say no. They may change their mind another day, but for now you do not want to press the issue as that may cause hurt feelings.
When dealing with neighbors who we may be friendly with, but are not good friends or relatives, it can be a delicate balance between getting involved and leaving them on their own. Open communication is always best when possible. In the end we want to look out for each other while also respecting people may choose to live their life in a different way than you would.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
