Q: I’m helping my mother move from her house into an assisted living facility next week, and I am so worried all the time. How can I make sure she will be happy there?
A: The love and care that you feel for your mother means you want the best for her. The transition to assisted living is a new step in her life, and you have probably been a big part of helping her select the right place. This can add up to a lot of pressure and stress for you. Just remember your best intentions and take it one step at a time.
It is essential to remember that you cannot guarantee or control whether she will be happy in her new place. Instead, focus on what you can control.
You are doing your best to set her up for success in this transition. Help her select the items she wants to bring with her to make the new place feel like home. Walk around her house and let her share with you what is important to take and hang on the walls.
Work with her to decide how the move in day will go. Sometimes, it can be helpful to involve her in the process of setting up the room, and at other times, it may be less stressful to set it up for her without her presence. That way, she walks in and sees it all set up with her things. Have a conversation with her about the best way to handle this process.
Consider adding a few personal touches to make it feel like a truly special day. Put fresh flowers in the room and add her favorite snacks. Plan with the staff when you should arrive. It can be nice to come a little before lunch time. Give her some time to be in her new room, to look around, and then plan to have lunch with her.
Use lunchtime as a way to for your mom to meet other people who live there. Depending on the dining room setup, it may be a place where the staff can arrange for you both to sit with other residents who will be welcoming and friendly. Some facilities even have a welcoming committee. Talk to the staff ahead of time to make sure they involve your mother on her first day.
If your mother does not seem immediately happy, or even if she appears upset, try not to take it personally. Moving is a stressful event in anyone’s life. And the transition from an independent home to assisted living can be wrought with other feelings related to aging and loss of independence. She may even take her feelings out on you since you are the closest person to her and the one involved in this move.
Let her have space for her feelings and just provide compassionate validation. This is not the time to try to convince her that this is the right move. Simply listen and let her know you are there to support her. Ask her to keep an open mind and try it out for a bit.
Make a plan for how you will also care for yourself on that day. Consider scheduling plans for that evening to distract yourself from worrying about her.
Discuss with her how often you plan to visit during the first week, so you both know what to expect. If there are other friends and family nearby, you can make a plan for them to visit as well, taking some of the pressure off of you. That can be a good way to get another person’s perspective on how she is doing in the new place.
You are caring for her in the best way you can. Nothing has to be permanent either. Sometimes, there are things we cannot anticipate, and if this does not end up being the right place for her, that is okay. Allow her time and space to adjust. Give yourself the same compassion in this stressful time as you are providing to her, and you will both get through this change.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
