Q: My husband passed away a few months ago and I want to move out of the house as soon as possible. My friends are all telling me I should not move right away. How soon is too soon?
A: I am sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. After a death, it is a commonly discussed “rule” that someone should not make any big life decisions for at least a year. The reason mental health experts generally support this is because a person who is grieving may have trouble seeing things clearly. It may cause them to make decisions they would not normally make.
The truth is that the death of a spouse is considered one of the most stressful life events, and moving is generally considered one of the top three most stressful life events. To have both occur within a year is like putting stress on top of stress.
However, conventional standards do not always apply to everyone. There are many reasons someone may not want or need to wait a year to make these types of decisions.
As the surviving spouse, only you know what is best for you. You want to give yourself time and space to think through your choices. Think about what will bring you joy and where you can picture yourself. You want to live in a place that feels happy, safe and you can afford.
Sometimes the spouse has been caring for a loved one for a long time. This may mean the spouse feels a sense of relief and freedom when their loved one dies. It can complicate the grief but also change the way they see their future.
Other times the home may hold memories that do not bring happiness. Not all marriages are happy ones, and it may help the spouse to move on and start a new life in a new place.
The house may feel too big and difficult to manage on your own. The cost may be too high without the income from your spouse. Or you may want to move to be closer to other family who can support you.
People on the outside may try and tell you what they think is best. They may tell you what they think your grief looks like. But grief is like snowflakes, no two are the same.
You certainly do not want to rush, but there is no exact timeline that will magically make decisions easier for you. Write down the pros and cons of moving. Talk to someone who is a non-judgmental listener. Sleep on your decisions and see how they feel.
Whatever you decide to do, try and understand the reasons behind your decisions. Being able to clearly understand why you are making a big change will help you understand if the driving factor is a reaction to your grief, or a sensible decision on what is best for your future.
In the end you must trust yourself. Grief can affect us in many ways. Look forward and allow yourself what you need to make the best decisions about changes in your life.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
