Q: I don’t think my mother is a safe driver anymore. How can I talk to her about stopping driving?
A: Driving is a sensitive topic at any age. Especially here in Southern California where most of us rely on our cars as our only means of transportation. Transportation equals independence to most drivers. Any suggestion of taking that away may be met with resistance, defensiveness, and even anger.
Know ahead of time that these reactions are common and understandable. Approach the topic with care and sensitivity. Start by thinking through for yourself why you feel your mother is not safe driving.
Have you witnessed her being unsafe? Have you noticed dents on her car? Do you notice her having difficulty moving into or maintaining the correct lane of traffic or hitting curbs often. Is she driving too fast or too slow for the flow of traffic? Are you worried she will get lost due to memory problems? Be sure there is a reason to back up this concern, and that it is not just because of her age.
First, decide if you will have the conversation with her alone or if there is someone else that she may accept the information from more easily. Make a plan to talk without being rushed and without distractions. Do not have multiple people present or she may feel bombarded by too many opinions.
Come from a place of caring by first stating what your concerns are. Explain clearly what you have noticed that worries you, and why. Go slow in your discussion and know that a final decision may not be made in this first talk. She will probably need time to process what you have shared with her.
Ask her in a gentle way if she has noticed any concerns herself. It may open the door to a conversation that will help you understand her needs.
Research ahead of time what options you can provide her with in place of driving herself. You may be able to offer to do some of the driving for her. You can also provide public transportation options like the city Dial A Ride program or a bus stop, if one is near her. Be prepared to explain the options and even offer to ride with her to help her practice and try it out.
Consider a compromise, as well. Many older drivers find their reaction times are slower and they compensate for this by only driving locally and not on freeways. Driving does not always have to be “all or nothing.” It may be appropriate for her abilities to modify where and when she drives, avoiding driving at night for example.
If you feel she may be able to continue driving with some instruction, then consider looking into driving classes. Whenever possible, it is best to help her maintain independence in a safe way, which may require modifications to how or where she drives.
If you feel the evidence that she is not safe driving is strong and she refuses your suggestions, you always have the option of reporting your concern to the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). Anyone who has a concern about an unsafe driver can complete a Request for Driver Reexamination (DS 699) form. You can learn more at https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/driver-education-and-safety/educational-materials/fast-facts/potentially-unsafe-driver-ffdl-10/#:~:text=If%20you%20know%20someone%20who,is%20provided%20for%20your%20convenience.
This request will not automatically take a person’s license away, but it will alert the DMV to the concern, and they can request the driver be reexamined. If the driver does not respond to the request their license may be suspended.
Be gentle but clear with your loved one. Driving is a big responsibility, and it is important that all drivers on the road take that responsibility seriously and maintain safety for everyone. Sharing concerns with a loved one is not easy for both parties involved. Go slow, be empathetic, but also be confident that you are coming from a place of love and caring.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
