I was recently reminded of the power of listening to others from their perspective. I was watching a television show called The Pitt about a hospital emergency room. There was an older couple grappling with how to continue living independently at home. The daughter was worried and trying to persuade them to accept care or consider moving to an assisted living facility.
When the doctor worked with them to find a solution that they could be happy with, the older patient said something that was very impactful. He thanked the doctor for truly listening.
He said, “Every old person knows what it’s like to be young, but no young person knows what it’s like to be old.”
The truth is, regardless of age, we never really know what it is like to be in someone else’s position. Each person has a unique set of life experiences, influences, and circumstances that shape their choices and define what brings them happiness.
Thinking about age in this way is a stark reminder to everyone who cares for an older adult. In this show, it was a daughter trying to protect her parents by recommending an assisted living facility and getting upset when her parents said no.
I can certainly relate to the daughter’s perspective. She comes from a place of caring and love, and who can fault her for wanting to ensure her parents are safe?
I personally am a busy working parent, and the idea of assisted living sounds wonderful. I view a dining room with all meals prepared for me as a dream come true.
This perspective, however, comes from my current experience. It would not be fair for me to assume this is shared by someone in a completely different situation and life circumstance.
In the field of social work we are taught to “start where the client is.” This is the core of empathy. It means understanding the client’s perspective (what they feel, think, and see) and accepting it without judgment and without imposing the social worker’s perspective.
To do this, the first step is to really listen. To let the person share their perspective openly and honestly, without the fear of judgement. Without this step it is impossible to understand the person’s reasoning behind their decision.
In the show I watched, this older couple was so appreciative of the doctor for listening to them and using what they learned to find a solution to offer.
My guess is that many of us forget to listen sometimes. We are so busy trying to convince the other person of our perspective, we forget to first understand theirs.
This comes up in so many areas of our lives, but especially when we are caring for someone we love. Our own worries, assumptions, and perspectives can get in the way of listening.
The next time you are quick to convince someone of what they need, take a moment to remind yourself to listen. Let them know you want to understand their perspective and give them the space to share. It just might allow you to see a new way of helping that truly aligns with their goals.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
