Q: This is the first Valentine’s Day since my father passed away, and I want to do something special for my mom. What can I do that will help her get through this day?
A: The first holidays after a loved one passes are often the most difficult. It is very thoughtful that you want to support your mother as she experiences the first Valentine’s Day without her husband.
Try talking to your mother and asking what she would like to do on the day. Everyone grieves differently. Some people like to find ways to acknowledge the way they used to celebrate. Perhaps your parents used to enjoy a fancy dinner and night out. She may enjoy going to her favorite restaurant with you. It is a way to reminisce while enjoying a night with someone she loves.
Other people find they do not want to be reminded of what used to be. She may prefer to create a new tradition with you, or to be alone with her thoughts and feel whatever feelings come up for her that day.
There is no right or wrong way to spend the day. As much as we may want to, it is impossible to take all the sadness and grief away from your mom. The most important thing is that she knows you care about her and are there to support her in the best way you can.
Let her tell you what she wants to do on Valentine’s Day. Listen to what she wants; and if she is unsure, then you can make some gentle suggestions. Do not be surprised if her mind changes when the day arrives. Sometimes, our feelings can be unexpected, and you want her to feel comfortable sharing that with you.
It can be difficult not to put our expectations on other people about how they should grieve or how they should get through their grief. Let her be the guide.
Allow yourself time to feel your own feelings as well. Focusing on your mother’s feelings is beautiful and may even be a good distraction for you. But you want to give time to recognize and process how you feel as well about this loss and what that means to you on Valentine’s Day.
Ultimately, Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate the love in our lives. Although it may exacerbate feelings of loss, it can also be reframed to focus on the love you currently feel around you. Take time to honor the loss, respect your feelings, and decide how to spend the day that feels right for you and your mom.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
