Q: My husband has dementia, and recently, when we were out in public, he made rude and mean comments to strangers. How can I stop this?
A: Dementia-related behaviors are not uncommon and are caused by damage in the brain. The damage may affect areas that control social filters, the person’s ability to regulate their emotions, and their judgement.
It can be helpful to understand the underlying cause of these behaviors and to view them through the lens of the disease, rather than as your husband intentionally acting poorly.
Often, rude language, anger, or other difficult behaviors stem from fear or confusion. When these situations arise, try to remain calm and focus on de-escalating the situation. Avoid arguing or attempting to immediately silence your loved one, as this may only intensify their reaction. Instead, aim to validate the feelings behind the behavior, not the words themselves.
For example, you might say, “I know it’s loud in here; let’s find a quieter place.” You can then redirect attention to something pleasant, such as complimenting their sweater or offering a favorite snack.
Navigating these behaviors in public can be especially challenging, particularly when you are also concerned about the comfort of those around you. Some caregivers find it helpful to carry small cards, similar to business cards, that state: “My companion has dementia and may need extra help and patience. Thank you for your support and understanding.”
You can get these cards from agencies like Senior Concerns and Camarillo Healthcare District, or print your own from the Alzheimer’s Association website at https://www.alz.org/help-support/resources/publications/alzheimers-dementia-cards-hand-out.
These cards can be very useful. You can hand one to the person who your husband may have insulted without having to say out loud that your husband has dementia, as this may aggravate your husband. Most people become very understanding when they see this card.
After the incident is over, it may be helpful to reflect on what occurred to see if there are ways to prevent it from happening in the future. Perhaps the location was too loud and overstimulating. It may be that places he once enjoyed no longer feel safe or comfortable for him, and you may need to change your routine.
Perhaps he was hungry, or uncomfortable, or needed to use the bathroom. In many ways you must act like a detective, observing and interpreting his needs when he may no longer have the language skills to express them clearly.
If these behaviors continue or escalate, talk to his doctor to rule out any underlying medical issues that may be causing him distress. The doctor may also want to review and make changes to his medications as a tool to reduce undesirable behavior.
You are not alone. These behaviors are very common. You can think about it like this: your loved one is not trying to give you a hard time, rather, they are having a hard time.
Reach out for support, arrange breaks for yourself, and try not to take it personally. This is part of the disease, and you are doing your best to support your loved one in navigating this journey.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
