Q: My father passed away after a difficult time with dementia. People keep saying it was for the best because he is not suffering anymore, but it does not feel that way to me. How can I tell them to stop saying that?
A: First of all, I am sorry for your loss, and for the difficult journey with dementia you and your father went through. Grief can look different for each person, and we each deserve to feel it fully and to allow ourselves the time and space to grieve.
When someone passes away, often others are not sure what to say. They want to be comforting and are usually well-meaning, even if misguided. They may be trying to find something positive to say during such a difficult time.
From afar, when someone is having a challenging time with dementia, or any disease as they are near end of life, it can feel like a relief when they finally pass away. We like to imagine the person with the disease is now at peace, and the family no longer has the burden of care.
The truth is often much more complicated. When the end of life is stressful it can complicate grief, but that means that it adds layers of emotion, and not that it takes the grief away.
Some may feel some sense of relief, and then that feeling of relief may lead to guilt. Or they may be surprised not to feel relief, and to instead feel a strong sense of loss over the full life span, not focusing on the difficult end of life.
A parent is a special relationship, and even though you may have known it was coming, or tried to prepare yourself emotionally, when a parent passes away it brings up so many feelings as well as memories.
A parent was your first friend, your first love. They share your history in a way that no one else can match. Even when the relationship has had its hardships, it most likely was a constant in your life.
The question posed is how to tell people to stop saying that your father’s passing away is for the best because he is no longer suffering. I recommend when someone says something that does not feel true to your grief, let them know that it is not the truth for you.
You can say, “I see how that may seem right from the outside, but I do not feel that way.” You can share how you feel if you want to, but you also do not owe anyone an explanation. If you trust your relationship with the person, you may want to ask for what you need.
If sitting with your grief and validating it is what you want, then say that. If reminiscing and sharing stories of your father would make you feel good, then ask for that.
Our friends and acquaintances are not mind readers. They may say what they think you want to hear, or what makes them feel better. But when it comes to sadness and loss, there is no best or right way to feel.
You get to feel what you feel, and to process in the way that helps you. A life is not just a disease, or a difficult month or year. A life is made up of so much more.
Take the time you need to remember, to feel whatever you feel, and to process the loss of your father in the way that feels right for you.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
