Q: My mother’s best friend was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, and my mother is very upset. How can I best support my mother right now?
A: A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s can feel life shattering, but the reality is often not what we expect right away. Your mother is probably both concerned for her friend while feeling her own sense of grief and loss around the friendship. It is helpful to take a step back and remind your mother that her friend is the same person she was the day before her diagnosis.
The best thing you can do first is to be a listening and supportive ear for your mother. It will help her to feel she can express her concerns and fears without being judged or feeling she must have all the answers. Sometimes just having someone who will listen is the biggest source of support.
You may also want to help your mother learn about Alzheimer’s disease so that she will feel more equipped for what is to come. Alzheimer’s disease is a type of dementia that affects memory, thinking and behavior. It is a progressive disease, and symptoms eventually grow severe enough to interfere with daily tasks. The Alzheimer’s Association provides a lot of useful information on their website at https://www.alz.org/. She can read about the stages of the disease, as well as information on how to prepare and how to handle different symptoms that may arise.
You can provide support to your mother by helping her to be more available to her friend. Offer specific help to take things off her plate such as making her a meal, doing a specific task or running an errand for her. Rather than simply asking whether she needs anything, try asking, “What would help you feel supported right now?”
It is normal for your mother to feel some anticipatory grief as she thinks about how their friendship may change over time. Thinking about her friend’s diagnosis may also bring up her own fears about her health and mortality. Give her space to express herself and let her know that she does not have to go through this alone.
Encourage her to spend some meaningful time with her friend. She can offer to listen to her friends’ concerns about the diagnosis and help her connect with resources or begin to make care plans for the future. At the same time, it is also important that they not only focus on the diagnosis.
Let your mother know it is also good to continue to spend time together the way they always have. Perhaps that’s sharing a meal, going for a walk or watching a favorite movie. Maintaining a sense of familiarity and normalcy can be meaningful for them both.
As her friend progresses it can become difficult to have these visits. Continue to allow a space for your mom to express her feelings when they are difficult, and to encourage her to care for herself.
Ask your mom about her friends’ existing support system. Is there family who will be taking the lead in coordinating her friend’s care or will your mom have more of a role in this? If your mother would like help, you can assist her in finding local resources, such as support groups, caregiver education programs, respite services, and organizations that assist older adults and family caregivers. Your local Area Agency on Aging can connect you to local community-based services and resources.
In Ventura County call 805 – 477-7300 or visit https://vcaaa.venturacounty.gov/our-services/caregiver-services/
Most importantly, remind your mother that she does not have to solve everything or even understand everything right now. Alzheimer’s disease is a journey. While their friendship and your mother’s role in her life may change over time, for now she can focus on just being present. Let your mom know it’s important to care for herself throughout this process, and that you will be there to support her as she supports her friend.
Martha Shapiro can be reached at Senior Concerns at 805-497-0189 or by email at mshapiro@seniorconcerns.org.
